Oh Father - I am feeling....

 Father,

I am feeling lousy again. I do trust in You, my Lord. 

However, seeing all my friends getting a job now, I just feel sad. 

I do not wish to leave the burden to my husband, although we do have enough, but we could do much more. 

I am so lost especially every morning when I open my eyes - and there is nothing for me to do literally. 

I forced myself to wake up early and not to sleep in late, on computer everyday etc to learn new things. 

There are so many things out there but all the AI stuffs needs you to invest money in first. Should I do it?

I have recently stumbled across this account which help you set up an e-commerce store in 1 day - all you need to pay is $20usd. Should I try, keeps sitting in my mind. I am so afraid that this could not work and I wasted that $20.

I am thinking I am a digital marketing specialist, I should be able to know how to make use of all these! Why am I hesitating!? Why I am not doing things a few months before, why wait till now? Isn't e-commerce my dream to run, then WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?

I also duno Lord, I am just feeling low on myself. This is much better than the times when going through CCS where the feeling is like "let me die". This is just me feeling like I am "relying" "leeching" so much on my husband - in short I have no contribution. Maybe if I have sideline income then I won't feel so bad? I dun know.


Where is my aggressive investment mentality!??


I think Sunjae getting a job is the last straw for me. I am literally on zero income for 6 months. I know I should not compare but I don't know why is it this happening to me. She has got a manager positions. I am rejected for manager positions, even specialists ones. 

THEN WHAT IS LEFT FOR ME? Lol, I am like a boat out there in the store. 

I learnt all the AI stuffs, but I don't have the confidence to step out to do it. I don't even know where to find the gigs. I was thinking, am I supposed to get a permanent job first then have the push to try all these, then in such a case, after that will I have the time to run it?

Maybe I should have thought of these when Dad is in hospital, and money keeps going out. I know Mark can support, and I just took it for granted. I lost $33K as of now being not working. 

I know I should rest in You, and yes I am but I just cannot help but feeling bad. I really think it is time to go back to workforce. I pray for your open doors Lord. 

In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.