Oh Father,
My heart hurts. It hurts so much. I can feel my blood pressure rising and my anger is unable to subside. I am begin to harbour anger Father, I am beginning to feel the hurt, I am beginning to show rejection and I am beginning to feel disgusted.
How am I going to kill all these feelings and faced someone that I have to spend the rest of my life with? I don't wana go through divorce, but I am really not sure if there is any more love left. I feel like its all been eaten up by debts, pressure and hate.
How can he go and apply all these things behind my back? How can he not tell me? How can he just let me carry all these things like that? If you are using the cards, clocking money on it, then take responsibility for it. You dun leave it like tat for me to pay. All the stuff are under my name. So you are afraid that anything OD beyond 2 months, lawyer letters will come. Then what about me? I have to cover all these for you. I DUN EVEN USE THEM!
I have to terminate policies to prevent further debts from piling. I have to fork out cash to pay for the house. I have to work like mad to have some money to pamper the kids and do things for the family. You said I don't have time for the family. If you can bring back the money for the household. Do you think I want to do so? Do you think I like to come home tired from the day job and move on to work like 2nd shift? I even have to take part time at photography studio. Tat time I do anime selling in USA, you said I dun hv time for the kid. I have to give it up.
Now you only said the same thing. But have you ever thought of WHY I need to do this? Its because of you. Everything is because of you. I wanted so much to run away and have a breather. I hate it when the bank called me everyday to chase for payment. How I wish I can ask them to call you instead and then you will know how I feel. Damn it.
It causes me stress. And then with the job unsecure, shit I really duno what to do. God is in my heart, yes I know. I don't feel all that scary but I will still worry. How am I going to pay all that YOU HAVE OWED? Yes I do owe the banks too, but its because I have to pay your share of stuff that I CANNOT PAY FOR MINE. Damn it again.
I thank you for the 2 kids you have given me, but seriously with this going on long term, I am not sure if there is any love left. I really duno. Everything is like a HABIT now. I envy pple who pampers their wives, I dun ask for the sky, but I ask for the minimal.
I am really hurt and upset, confused and frustrated. Father, I just want you to know and understand. I want to vent. I just want to say, I don't know how long I need to wait or how long I can wait. I don't even know if this trading thing will take off or what. Its been so long. Does success needs so long to come?
I know this is selfish saying, but if you either give up or look for a job during the break, all these won't happen. I am not going to file for bankrupt for something you have done, you have incurred, and shit I am paying for it. I am trying to be a Psalms 31 wife but see where it gets me.
I don't want to quarrel with you coz it will be really ugly, coz I have so much anger accumulated inside me. I have so many regrets that I wana shout it out. I have so many shits to take care of. I have no time for all these. I hate the fact I cannot even eat a proper meal without thinking shit, so expensive. I am the one working hard in the whole month, why can't I pamper myself? WHY?
I want to pamper my kids once in a while, also cannot. Seeing how other splurged on their kids, I wana be able to do that for my kids too. People going Japan, Korea etc for trips, my kids go to KSL in Malaysia. Thank God my kids are very understanding.
God, please please please help me to take away all these from my heart. Please release me from this debts cycle. Please let me see the daylight of my life. Please let this all passed and let it be a better year next year.
Thank you Father for hearing me out, in Jesus name. Amen.
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