Dear Father... please take my hand

Dear Abba,
I feel so complacent now. I know I must look for another job however, I am like too comfort in the zone. Everyone says I must rest in You Lord. So I don't even know if I am doing the right thing. I do enjoy the 2 off days freedom that I get. However, the money I got from it is unable to be justified.

There are just so much things to pay off Lord. The house mortgage, the insurance, the credit card bills, the loans, the kids enrichment fees... Father, I am practically not spending anything on myself except the occasional going out for meals with the family. Why do I have to live so pitifully? I see other Christians enjoying the abundance You give them. When can it be my turn?

I am not asking for the riches to splurge or crazily to be spent. I merely asked for debt free with savings, enough to spare and help the needy. I totally unable to do tat right now. I have to think like crazy even to take out $10.

Lord, pls give me the patience, the power of the sound mind to stay sane with all these. I am worried to think where I am heading. Seriously, I don't know where I am heading. I am simply worrying about paying paying paying. I am to the stage of thinking why am I so pathetic?

Now I am having my own small business, but its not moving. Please help me Lord to move the business. I don't know what is wrong. People that started later than me are moving faster than the speed of bullet. Even my Shopify store is losing monthly every month because no one is buying. Please grant me the wisdom and inspiration LORD... I need to find a USP unique selling point to my items so that people will come.

There are so much of marketing efforts to be put in, there are so much things to do and organised. I see so many creations out there that are so beautiful. How I wish I could be like that. How I wish I can have a successful home business so that I can stay home with the family. Its's my husband Mark's wish too. That's why he is trying to work hard to be a trader. Lord, he is not giving up, so please do not give up on him too. Please grant him the wisdom and the capability and capacity to earn enough to support the family. We are all very tired but we are still hanging on.

My sister asked me to talk to my husband. Seriously not that I don't want to... but what can I expect him to do? If he goes to work, yes situation will change, however, our kids have no one to pick them and my dog will be alone at home the whole day which is not what I wanted. The most ideal thing is that my hubby works from home with a successful business and I can be out working.

There are so many times I wanted to talk to him, but I know he is stressed too. I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN MY BIG MOUTH.  Is it my fault also that I allow this to happen? That I allow him to take up trading? To let him follow what he likes to do, but for a long period of time, we are not seeing results?

And for me, I duno why my career is always not moving forward, its moving backwards. I mean I thought it would be fantastic to work here as a Asst Marketing Mgr, but what they requested of me, I cannot achieve and now an admin. Is it my life to be so? I know why people always say do not compare to peers. Coz I know the shitty feeling when I do that. I cannot even mentioned when my peers are right now and where I am.

Am I too lazy to move forward? Is it just me not a goal getting? Really complacement with the surroundings? why am I not competitive? Why am I just the nice, sweet, sensitive, kind of person? I wish I could step out more to go get the things I wanted. BUT THE THING IS I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT. To tell you the truth Father, I want to marry a guy rich enough that I can don't work if I don't want to. I want my husband to pay for my things and not the other way around. I want my husband to pamper me, and not having/getting nothing for so many years.

I see so many ladies getting pampered by the husband... sometimes I asked myself when is the last time I have felt it. I feel so stale in the relationship.

I don't know Lord... please take my life and do something out of it bah... thank you Father. Amen.