The feeling of being trapped...

Dear God,
I am thrown in a situation when I hated myself.

I hated the fact that I am poor without much money for pple to throw around like tat.
If I have enough money I would have left without much hesitation. I have a house mortgage Lord, I have loads of debts waiting to reay.

I feel so trapped Lord, 101% I dun want to stay here.
But I had to convert to the part time basis because of family and I know the kind of shit I will be getting.

My colleague is leaving and after her, I will be going back to the scolding life. Which I hate and i fear for.

How I wish I could juz throw away everything and then juz say to the folks up there... keep your Fxxxxxx part time, I dun need it. I got a lot of money. I find it so humiliating and so insulting. I hate to subject myself to that situation. I want to be stronger and stand up stronger with my pride and put my feet down and says "enough of this crap!" and take my bag and go.

I am very unhappy here. No one should stay and listen to the boss give this kind of crap.

I want to shout at my husband its becoz of him. But I couldn't. I chose him myself. But seriously I never thought would end up like this. Why can't he be a high-flyer that brings in the money. I nv asked to live like this, paycheck to paycheck. I dun get to spend any money on myself. I had to spend it on the family.

D3 said I duno what I want. I duno yet. Sometimes I wish I am more green. A goal getter to get what I want. I wana live out of this shit. Gimme wisdom Lord!

staying here, I see more cons than pros. I cannot see the future here. I am staying here for my colleagues but if all are leaving then what's the point?

For once I dun wish to think about family, i want to think about what I want. I want to get out of this stupid place!!!! But eventually when I come to my situation and to think about it again, I might have to suck it up and cry. Why can't my career path be smooth Lord? why can't be like my peers? Why can't I be others?

I know envy is wrong but i wana get it off my chest. I envy my cousin Ailing, I envy Charlene, I envy Lauretta and I envy Esther's colleague Cher Pang.

I love my husband, I really do. But I hate the fact, he cannot bring in enough for the family now. We were very happy when he was at Tarzania, although agree that trading the time of him away vs money he brings home. I find myself happier. I know I shouldn't think that way but I juz cannot help.
Why can't he get a proper job? A job tat is white collar, needs to be on tie everyday, work office hours, no wkends and bring back enough for the family? He always say women shd stay home. Then why am I out working? why am I the one headache over how much we need to bring home?

aaarrrrgggggghhhhh!! I am juz so pissed God, so frustrated over my situation. I still wana praise and worship you Lord, but I need to get my emotions controlled and in place.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.